She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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