I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
