If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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