So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
