I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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