I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Brb crying the tears of my youth
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
