so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
