I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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