I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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