I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
