I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
