You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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