ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
