the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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