A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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