I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She's the barista slut.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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