How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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