Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
