My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
