Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
