we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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