When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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