had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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