As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
