Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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