I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Someone came in the potted fern
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
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