walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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