I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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