New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Randomize
