i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
