I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
