Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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