um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
