Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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