How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
