i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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