When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
