I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
