"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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