what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
My balls are so social today.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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