Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
