Taylor Swift is so right about you.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
