If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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