My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
