Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
