Will you blow on my dice?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize