I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
