remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
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