Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
