this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
