Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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