Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
