Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
