This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
