theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Someone came in the potted fern
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
