I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
