WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
