Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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