its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
